Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Sexy And The Old

Once upon a time, in a little pink room, there’s a girl of twenty-something who just fell in love. Somewhere across town, in a large leather couch with his wife next door, there’s a slightly older man who just bumped into love. When life crosses the path of temptation how are we supposed to acknowledge one of the older mistakes of girlkind – they have the voice, the money, the style, the experience, the free painkillers, the slow competition - Are used men better than the new ones? Is there really an advantage in vintage style? In a world where little blue pills take the lead on the Bart-Simpson’s-socks-kind-of-guy, are there any given compensations for a girl of twenty-something to hit it off with a guy of fifty-something? Is it possible that we have just found a whole new market in town? Maybe what we are looking for are fairy tales of the past generation, someone who can give time and comfort and maybe, just maybe, someone who knows a little better – or at least someone who just isn’t dying (at least) to get into your pants! Is it possible to take back time and date with our father’s generation? Is incest the new hit relationship or isn’t any hope in hoping? Are we becoming so desperate that Old just became the new New?

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Cookie Wisdom

Today our little crunchy piece of wisdom is…

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Now how about that? Can you imagine the world of possibilities this grants us? No more ID cards, no more standing in gigantic lines to renovate them…If in any occasion you wanted to identify yourself, you just needed to stick your tongue out! If you were pulled over by the police and they asked you to show your documents? You would stick your tongue out! To identify yourself in websites such as Amazon.com, you just needed to lick the screen! Simple, painless…well, maybe a little sticky, but fun!

Farewell for now, dear cookie readers… and don’t forget: Next time someone asks your name, give ‘em tongue!

Desperate Housewive ('s Kitty)

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Cookie Wisdom

We have decided to create a weekly routine, here at Cookie Jar Freaks. Every Sunday, we will present to you a piece of Cookie Wisdom. Today, and just because we really like you, we offer you two (you read me, two!) pieces of crunchy wisdom.

Here they go:

It is impossible to lick your own elbow.

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Merry Wisdom to you all!

PS: I should warn you: at least 70% of all people who read that first fact try to lick their elbows…up to no avail. Good Luck on that – and if you manage to do it, send us the video. We deserve a good laugh, here at Cookie Central.

Puppy Love

Welcome to yet another post! Today we come with new and exciting information, that will leave your heart skipping steps with the excitement (or not, but I just thought this would serve nicely as an introduction…).
How many of you have pets? Cats, dogs, spiders, monkeys..? And what were the criteria used to choose them? Did you think about the size of the (beastly) animal? Did you think about the cuteness and how fun would it be to have him/her sleep in your bed? How entertaining for guests would it be to have him fetch your slippers and clean the kitchen? Did you think about the length of his fur, and the possibility of braiding his “hair”? Well, then we sure have news for you! After all, and according to a couple of really intelligent and possibly genius – as all of them are – psychologists, you choose your pet according to… (Drum roll)…his physical appearance, in comparison to yours! Apparently, the more a dog or cat looks like you, the better you like him. People actually relate the breed of the dog (and consequently its physical appearance) to a personality. This way, when they are choosing, they choose the ones that “apparently” not only look like them, but which will have a personality which fits their own.
This reminds of people who dress their dogs exactly like them and people who have hair that looks like their dogs fur. It’s fun to see how people look at their dogs as if they were a tiny little version of themselves. This works especially well for people who live alone, and whose only companies are their pets. The next step will probably projecting every single one of their childhood unaccomplished dreams into the dog, just like parents normally do with children. This way, they would have a reason to dress the dogs in a particular way, or taking them to Disneyland or even sending them to Medical or Law School – because we have to fight for equal opportunities for all! And if dogs dress and look like us, why not study the things we do?
Another topic I find interesting to develop, is the “Small Penis Syndrome”, shown by most men in modern societies. Their obsession with size and how that can affect their performance is well known by all readers, I assume. What I am wondering is if that also affects their judgment when choosing a pet. If they choose pets with bigger penises because they want to compensate for their own lack of such mechanism or if they choose them, as the theory states, to reflect themselves. I do not know this, and it would probably take a transversal, multi-cultural study to verify this hypothesis. What I do know, is that there is actually a connection between pets and the size of the owners reproductive appendix, specifically on males. There is one tribe, in Brazil, which uses their pets as a means of enlarging their penis. How? Well, they take poisonous snakes (and no, this wasn’t a spelling mistake, I’m actually talking about the long, evil, I-can-kill-you-with-just-one-bite, snake) and encourage them to bite their…appendix. And it grows. Of course, this is the archaic version of the vacuum cleaners and air pumps modern day man insert inside themselves to grow at specific timings, but it still looks really weird to me – call me retrograde, but I prefer a man whose penis wasn’t bitten by a poisonous animal before myself.

So there you have it. From people trying to look like their animals to people having animals bite them so they can look bigger, this world has it all. I’m glad they’re beginning to explore space, and the possibility of living there…Aliens can’t possibly be as weird as humans!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Absolut Bachelor

Because this blog wants to serve its visitors increasingly better in every single post, we decided to use this post solely for publicity purposes…to the gals out there who have needs that need to be fulfilled (literally), and fast!
Today we are talking about the one, the only, the absolutely perfect, have-it-all, all-included, bachelor: Noddy of Toy Town! You may be amazed, I know. I was surprised too, until I added all the facts. You may even be disgusted…but after I explain you all the reasons, you will be convinced, trust me! You will even learn how to ignore his awful taste in clothes.
First of all, what do all girls like in a guy? Stability, money, independence, social status and lots of love to give... Right? (We will get to the physical part, don’t worry.) Well, Mr. Noddy has it all! He’s a well established business man who runs his own (and in fact the only) taxi service in Toy Town. He obviously likes children and shares the custody of a dog with Tessie Bear, which only shows how responsible and diplomatic he can be. He has his own house, a little yellow mansion (which I am sure you will be able to redecorate in a much more fashionable way once you have moved in) and no family at all. Yes girls, he doesn’t have parents - so forget the dinners for the mother in laws, or the control freaks looking over your shoulder during the wedding, or calling at unexpected, reaaaaally inopportune times. He lives alone and he is just like a little orphan that you can cuddle and give love to: he needs all the tenderness you can handle. Besides, if he lives alone, he obviously has mastered all the house tasks, including cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry and even ironing – look at him as your own, personal, house elf. He has a yellow and red convertible which only has two seats – no unwanted company, lots of room for whatever you may feel like doing (alone), and which can drive you anywhere you want! He is known by the police, by several important members of the society…meaning, no more parking tickets and ice cream for free. If you need any help, for anything at all, Noddy has contacts: Big Ears is the wisdom pool of Toy Town, and is able and used to helping Noddy…at everything.
Second of all (which actually should be first) – the more practical, physical part. Noddy is a cartoon: as such, it has heightened flexibility skills, and can make pretty much everything a regular cartoon does (although he does not do it in the show, cartoons are known for being able to do just about anything you like)…so, he can enlarge himself at will, try just about any positions you may want him to try, and has the energy to keep at it for hours and hours! He also has blue eyes, which you must admit, you have always been on the lookout for! Plus, have you ever looked at him? I mean, reaaaally looked at him? He has a little hat, ladies. A little phallic-shaped hat. And I do believe that is NOT a compensatory mechanism (he is way to innocent for that), but more of a… how should I put it… reflection of his true interior (whether I’m talking about his soul or something more physical, I leave it to you).
Third, but not least, lets talk about the big nightmare of all relationships: infidelity! There is no one you have to worry about: your only competition is Tessy Bear and I don’t think that there’s any way in which a bear with a pink hat and a fluffy skirt can be better than you (if for no other reason, she is just way too furry). If, and only if (and I really can’t imagine how that can happen) you are the one cheating with Big Ears or Mr. Plod, you can always hear when Noddy is coming home thanks to the tiny little bell in his hat, thus preventing you from getting caught red-handed.
And if you still aren’t convinced, think about this: he’s young, he will learn really fast whatever you might like to teach him… if he doesn’t, just spank him, you’re bigger than him!
So there you have it, girls. Feeling like planning a visit to Toy Town much?

We can assure you that no toys were harmed during the baking of this post

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Legend of the Hickie

My Aunt Petunia has a hickie
That I once thought was kind of freaky
Know I’ve changed my mind, I have one too
I got mine at the High Town Zoo
It was made by a monkey who knew how to talk
He could even write with chalk
On the blackboard he wrote phrases
Talked about subliminal crazes
He once asked me to kiss my ass
I told him I’d like to pass
(He was sad to hear about that)
I told him about by Aunt – I want a hickie too
He responded – Promptly Sir, this is the High Town Zoo
But I’m diverting from the subject, what I really meant to say
Was that My Aunt Petunia is really happy this way
Reading Cookie Jar Freaks all day long
Heck, I even wrote a song!

Goodbye you all have a Merry Cookie Day,
Hope you come back, we don’t want you to go astray!

The Psycho Ward

Lately, something has come to my attention that I feel I must share with you, fellow cookies of the websphere: the high incidence of psychopathological disorders publicized (and sometimes worshipped!) in today’s television. It seems producers and directors consult their psychiatrists/psychologists for input as their ideas run out. In fact, these apocalyptical (oh, believe me, this can shatter the very existence of quality television!) series of events have come so far as directors actually need to give their psychologists prime-time tv shows, so that they can expose their ideas (I will not mention Dr. Phil, as that would be highly unethical, and possibly frowned upon). So, what happens is, we have shows in which the characters impersonate the various psychiatric disorders, thus making them part of their “self”. House, M.D., is a perfect example of this. The guy clearly shows both a narcissistic personality and megalomaniac traits! And although everyone knows he would really, deep down, like to eviscerate every single one of the patients, no one does anything about it, thus feeding his narcissism! So he continues, on and on, for 3 seasons already! Therapy needed in House’s isle, STAT!
Mrs Melinda Gordon, for example, known to her friends as Jennifer Love Hewitt (Ghost Whisperer) not only talks to “ghosts”, she also sees them while nobody else can! How schizophrenic is that?! Plus, the whole town must have some sort of pathological tendency or predisposition, because they all actually believe her! You must have already noticed how severely ill this population must be…and I urge you, we must do something about it! If it remains untreated, this disorder can have serious consequences on Mrs Hewit’s life, not to mention the impressionable audience, who sees this schizophrenic behaviour as appropriate and everything but condemnable. I won’t even ask how they can survive with nice cars and fashionable clothes with the pay check of an ambulance driver and an antique shop owner…that is prying and we do not do that in this establishment. But talking to the dead? Solving their “unsolved issues”, confronting living and deceased so that they can “follow the light”?! For pity’s sake!
CSI has wonderful and mind-shattering theories…of persecution (including the wonder-boy Horatio-I’m-too-sexy-for-my-shirt-Caine – who really should be ashamed, from the tip of his gold-platted hair to the over-used, over-practiced, over-righteous lines he uses on screen – thus, and although he has no perfectly identifiable pathology, I have welcomed him to our list, just because of his…well, self). Brothers and Sisters has two problems: the obsessive-compulsive mother (and you could say “but…aren’t all mothers like that?” – and I’ll say “NO!” all mothers do not jump into swimming pools during a cocktail party, after your husband has just died!) and Callista Flockhart (whose name, let’s face it, is a pathology on it’s own). Finally, Ugly Betty which…well, I have no idea what it is, but, people! It’s dangerous! I mean, they haven’t even been able to find a diagnosis that applied!
We also have the same problem in reality shows…do you know The Swan? The objective of this show is to turn less beautiful woman into potential pageant winners by cutting (in the chirurgical sense, obviously…) them all the way to perfection. A good example of this is also the world-famous show Nip/Tuck (“make me beautifull” tralalala…).Can’t you think of anyone who has developed the technique? Michael Jackson, folks! He has been drawn upon with a scalpel for his entire life…and someone should let him know they have a psychiatric nomenclature for that too – it’s called Body Dismorphic Disorder! We should just crown him the Swan Princess of the Universe and get it over with!
What will they think of next? A 3 season show about a plane crash on a deserted island? Geeezzz…

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Anonymous superhero(es)

Beware my friends that salvation has come at last! Hold on to your seats. If you thought superheroes were some stupid and dumb invention from immature and ugly boys who were really trying to get some, YOU were wrong. Here’s the proof, the one, the only, the most undeniable truth: they walk beside us, they look just like any of us, but they, my friends, are superheroes of the past generation!
Pay close attention to the pronounced baldness…to the woman (probably Wonder Woman in disguise!) next to him. These superheroes of the past are our future. They are our salvation. Who else can save us from the instability of the modern world? These are the man and woman who fight for you every day. And people: they are among us! They are here, in every street corner, in every sigh of despair released by a lonely child. They are among us, and you can recognise them if you look carefully.
Some of you, I know, will say it’s just a myth. Others will point the simple and obvious consideration: THEY ARE OLD! So I say to you my friends, I say to you: Yes, they are old, but they sure are trying like hell to be fashionable.
But watch out…do not blow their carefully engineered disguises! Superheroes have been known to hold grudges against people who try to destroy their secret identities! And believe us, you do NOT want to be in trouble without their invisible, but yet so powerful, aid!

Monday, February 18, 2008

My Cookie is your Cookie

Dear fellow cookies:

We here pronounce this blog a big fat cookie! It has arrived as a gigantic pink elephant in a runway and it came to rock things over! It is here, it exists, it haunts you in the lonely and dark night, when you walk the streets alone, searching for something crunchy and sweet to eat…
It has no smarties, or chocolate, or even nuts. Picture it as your personal, one and only, customizable (always open to suggestions!), cookie lounge. We serve no beverages, and cookies of all ages are allowed in. On your left side (unless you have the computer screen upside down, in which case we advise you to look to the right hand side of the screen) you can see an array of cookie goodness we have discovered in the dark pits of the internet, specially for you. Most of them will change daily – visit us and see for yourself! We plan on having a new post on a regular basis. We have no plan whatsoever of boring you to death…unless you have been accidentally lobotomized, in which case I can recommend several psychiatric institutions – because in Cookie Jar Freaks, we care about your well-being!
We have no intentions, no agenda, and no political beliefs besides our own. We have committed no crime or are we not serial killers. We are just two women with really, let’s admit it, nothing better to do. Otherwise we have just come to terrorise the planet.
What do we have? Well…actually, I still can’t answer that question. But one thing I am sure of…we love cookies and intend on keeping them hot and flavoured, just for you!

There’s no other way to put it: we have come to stay!

Merry Cookies to you all!

Sugar cutie

Gingerbread gal